I think I love you
by feral-madness
Summary: PG13 for strong language. Sebastian comes to realise a truth and has a hard time dealing with it. Slash warning! R&R please!


A/N: The story follows the original plot until the end of this chapter, The next chapter is nearly done I need rr to get the inspiration to write more. Flamers welcomed. To be updated soon.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

"Mc Connell hates me, I fingered his girlfriend at homecoming last year." Sebastian paused momentarily, already formulating a plan.

"Oh, I don't think that bothered him so much." Blaine smiled in his usual effeminate way as he thought of what the following week would have in store for him. Sebastian couldn't help but admire him.

He was so comfortable with himself and who he was.

A shudder of revolt passed through him. Why did he have to think like that? As he made the arrangements for Blaine to meet up with Greg so he could get his plan into action, he started to visualise what he would see later that day.

"So shall we say the stroke of midnight, no pun intended?"

"Stroke of midnight it is."

-

Sebastian loved the feeling of driving down the highway in his Jag. It made him feel liberated. He was usually able to forget about the overwhelming nausea he felt as he thought back on his conquests. He'd always been so proud of them, and regarded them as the greatest accomplishments of his life. But the last year or two had changed him. Therapy had been a major change.

But he had gotten his own back at her for everything she had put him through. Her daughter would now be hailed on every website as "an enormous slut". This amused him beyond belief, but he had found that most of his recent exploits had aroused similar emotions. He found recently he adored womanizing, not because of an attraction to women and the arousal he felt during sex, but because of his love of making them suffer.

Knowing he had caused them pain was more satisfying than anything he'd experienced in his life, he'd usually put up with the charade of sex so be could inflict these emotions.

Seducing Annette wasn't quite as easy as his other exploits had been. She was smarter than the rest. He had put all his effort into it, and found himself wondering why he was going through with it. Did he really want Kathryn that much?

_No_.

So why did he feel compelled to do this? Sure there was his reputation… but what did the opinions of others really matter?

This was all so confusing.

"_Your journal, could you be more queer?"_

-

Walking up the stairs, Sebastian paused at the door to listen; his heart skipped a beat as he heard the muffled sounds of pleasure from the two men.

"Oh baby!"

He found himself smiling "Baby?"

He tried to force an expression of sarcasm and antipathy, but his excitement was obvious and his smile genuine. He kicked his way into the apartment.

Walking into the rank love nest Sebastian pulled out his camera. He'd been anticipating this moment all day. A pang of regret shot through him as he saw the intimidation and shame on Greg's face. The regret cut him like a knife, but he had to keep up the farce, go through with the bet.

"After all, you are the one that's been bad mouthing me to Annette Hargrove right?"

"I swear man I never said a thing."

He didn't want this to be their last encounter; he convinced himself that Greg would be just what he needed to finally nail Annette.

"Actually there is something you can do for me."

On leaving the apartment Sebastian thanked god he didn't have to hand the camera over. Those were pictures he'd keep forever even if he didn't know it just then and there.

-

"That nosy bitch. Are you sure?"

"I'm positive man. She said Mrs. Caldwell. They met at orientation."

"Ok next. Did you do everything I asked you to do?"

"Yeah."

Sebastian had power over Greg. He knew that no matter what he'd say or do Greg would never disagree or in any way oppose Sebastian. This didn't please Sebastian as much as he'd hoped. What did please him surprisingly was how casual Greg was during their conversations. The, what appeared to be enjoyment that both were taking from the interaction.

He talked like they were old friends, and Sebastian could be himself around him. He didn't want the conversation to end, but he knew, Greg probably did. Greg wished that he had no obligation to this infamous monster, but what Sebastian didn't know was that Greg wished their conversations would last forever too.

This was only their second encounter.

"You think she bought it?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure she bought it."

"No pretty sure, or sure-sure?"

Greg assumed a wealth of masculine charisma. And with every ounce of his confidence replied, "She bought it."

Sebastian smiled. He could sense the strength behind those words but he knew they were a strength fuelled by fear. He didn't care.

He could feel his heart beat faster.

He closed the phone and held it close to his chest, absorbing every last trace of Greg he could from it.

He felt sick.

_What the hell were those thoughts about?_

-

She sat on top of him. He couldn't feel that old sense of need. The regrouping of old habits made him massage her shoulders.

"Oh sis, you're so tense."

And it hit him. He no longer thought of Kathryn as another female sex object, she was family.

But, no….

He had to keep up the façade. What was happening to him… it was all just a phase right. A transient passing phase. Nothing to worry about.

No, within a week he'd be back to normal and celebrating the victory of the greatest conquest of his manhood, he'd not only get the virgin but the sister, she that was forever before, unattainable.

"Until then, down boy."

" Oh come on!"

He was a good actor and his relief increased the further Kathryn went from him.

_This was all so fucked up._

-

He knew what he was doing. He had all the steps printed out, in a vista in the furthest region of his brain; there was a dark alleyway he'd follow taking care never to deviate from his path. He always remained aloof, never becoming emotionally involved.

Phone calls, the most convenient way to keep in touch and convince someone you were always thinking about them.

"Um, did I leave my glasses there?"

It was classic and cheesy and she probably knew that, it was the oldest trick in the book, but she fell for it hook line and sinker.

The date was casual. There was no physical contact and he could tell she had started to fall for him. He kept his expression casual. His mind would every so often go back to that night in Blaine's apartment. He'd have to snap himself out of it every so often when he realised how he'd been fantasising. Annette didn't notice.

She was truly just like the others. Vapid and air headed.

Just like Cecile. That first day, with that stupid shirt, and now her gullibility.

"A promise is a promise" 

He always resented the part he played in that. It wasn't just his hatred for her and all those like her; it was his conscience. Kathryn didn't care at all. This really did amaze him. He couldn't believe how much of a bitch she could be.

Cecile would suffer and his part was pivotal. He would cause the pain and because of this he was aware of his actions. It made him experience everything more. It was more realistic.

_The phase didn't seem to be passing. He still felt the confusion. He couldn't stop it_.

Things were easier for him now with Annette a few rude gestures and a reminder of the previous nights exploration meant he had gotten rid of the insipid Cecile.

But it was all about to get that much harder.

-

"You must think I'm a real idiot."

_Well… _

"No I don't."

God he hated her self-righteous act. She acted as though she knew everything. He really just wanted her to shut up.

"You should try to lighten up."

"I am lightened. Can we drop this?"

There he said it. But she kept at him with those stupid faces.

God she looked like such an idiot. He couldn't help it.

"Are you smiling?"

"No."

"No? It's ok, you can laugh, I promise I won't tell anybody."

It felt nice. She was acting like a human. Caught up in the moment, he allowed her to take his hand. The feeling of her hand in his opened his mind. He felt a revelation. He knew that something was different. It was indefinable but he knew that nothing would be the same after that; something had changed.

It was only when she was gone that it actually hit him. He could never admit it. He felt angry and confused he couldn't and wouldn't say why. He frantically tried to prove to himself it wasn't true. That it wasn't real.

Sleeping with Cecile was a welcome task, that he could still do it proved to him that his fears were unfounded. It was the aftermath that was the problem. He had been sick of sleeping with her likes for quite a while now. He considered this to be the last. He'd never go through with the pretence again.

Spying on Annette reminded him of the old ways. As he watched her crying at the book she read he went over everything that had happened he got agitated. Kathryn's arrival and subsequent irritating teasing was just too much.

"Shut up."

"What's up your ass?"

_Oh god here it comes. She'll figure it out, and I'll have to admit._

"She's really getting to you isn't she."

Sebastian forced the relief into submission while he replied feebly

"If you must know, yes."

He improvised anything he could to explain the confusion he felt, and relate it all to Annette. It gave him the time, and a reason to move away from Kathryn, and he ran. Finding himself in his room panic-stricken he saw himself pick up the phone. He dialled the number he had rolled around in his head for over a week now.

"Hello?"

That voice, it was commanding and could be equally charming and destructive depending on the person to whom it was directed. Sebastian fell against his wall. Taking solace in the fact that he always knew he could take comfort in these calls. He had hung up before he might find himself speaking.

What was he doing? This was exactly the type of thing that caused the initial confusion. But he was hooked.

Annette always had served as an excellent fall out. He went to her. Flattery in French was always a good mood setter. He kissed her. The feigned composure couldn't last forever and he tried to deepen the kiss, he wanted nothing more for this to be over.

She pushed him away.

"I'm sorry."

"I am too."

"You know what? I'm not sorry, I don't take it back."

He had a plan, sure it was drastic and a little cruel, but he needed to win, he needed for this entire ordeal to be over.

"Why can't we be together?"

"You really want to know why?"

"Yes I want to know why."

He could see the emotion, could sense that she was upset and that her emotions were real. This hit a nerve inside him, but he pushed aside the guilt, and listened.

"It's because I don't trust myself with you."

He watched her run off and alone in the garden he ran over all the events leading to this moment and one face kept flashing through his head, the voice that called to him and made him feel secure.

He was going to finish this tonight.

-

He knew she was primed. Her emotions were high but authentic. He could take full advantage. It took him the entire day to plan what would have to happen that evening.

Walking into Annette's room, and seeing her lying on the bed surfaced once again all the uncertainty that he had felt until now. But he launched into his ploy.

"I just came to say goodbye."

He needed her surprise. This would invigorate the guilt trip he'd lay on her. He needed her to feel the fear of loss, and the vulnerability that ensued.

"You're a hypocrite, and I don't associate with hypocrites."

"How am I a hypocrite?"

"Oh please Annette. You spend all your time preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is. Right in front of you, but you're going to turn your back on it. So I guess we're just fucked. I'll move on, but you... are going to have to live with yourself knowing you've turned your back on love. And that makes you a hypocrite."

He waited allowing his words to have their impact. He watched the feelings on her face the conflicting emotions, the pain, and finally realisation.

"Have a nice life."

"Sebastian wait."

He stood passive as she walked towards him and locked the door. She kissed him. He didn't take part willingly, but he thought he'd have to make an effort to finally go through with it. As she reached the bed and undid his trousers he observed the expression on her face as she unbuttoned her top. Its mix of trepidation, worry and fear once again aroused that indefinable emotion. He knew then and there, he couldn't do it.

"I-I'm sorry I can't."

The pain was mutual. They both felt loss, and bewilderment. And for the first time, Sebastian went to his room and cried.

His journal sustained him for most of the night, as he catalogued the disaster of the evening.

Morning and a fresh start were ruined by Kathryn as she entered the room in the hopes of ascertaining the extent to which Sebastian had taken things.

She was toying with him. Sore from the previous day Sebastian found himself irritable. The last thing he wanted to do was explain everything to Kathryn. So he choked out a few sentences on his failure with Annette.

"I just didn't feel right about it."

The amusement this caused Kathryn and the conclusions she immediately jumped to were more than enough to ignite a rage within Sebastian. He was going to finish this once and for all. Annette only had a 30-minute head start. She was a girl, a sucker for romance. All he had to do was make a grand entrance and proclaim his undying love… and he's won.

-

"Hello?"

"Greg, it's Valmont."

"Hey buddy."

Sebastian had to regain his self-control before he could go through with what he was about to say. This was all for the bet. He had to beat Kathryn, had to prove that he could do it.

He shouted forcefully

"Is she with you?"

To him it sounded almost like an accusation of infidelity. The thought struck him as strange. Then he realised how much it would hurt if she were. The pain he'd feel if both Greg and Annette had escaped him, the feeling of losing both was unbearable.

"No."

Greg seemed surprised at the tone in Valmont's voice; it nearly hit desperation. He looked at the cds he'd just thrown out. The magazines. It was nearly all too much. He didn't want to give up that lifestyle, he knew that Blaine wasn't the one he wanted to be with, but that he was the only one he could have in complete secrecy. And having someone, being with another guy felt right. He had never had that with a girl before.

He felt emotional, and Sebastian's interrogation only made him feel more vulnerable.

"Where is she?"

"I dunno. Look why don't you just leave her alone?"

Greg's voice had hit a tone Sebastian recognized. It was one could relate to. He started to slow down; eventually he pulled in. He could hear Greg's gentle breathing on the other end of the phone. He sought comfort in the fact that Greg was still there listening, waiting to see what Sebastian would do.

Closing his eyes caused Sebastian to relive the last few weeks of his life in startling honesty. He saw the therapists' daughter, the random girls, everyone through to Cecile, Annette, Kathryn, and finally Greg.

"Hey buddy, you still there?"

Greg sounded worried. Sebastian knew that this extended no further than a hope that he hadn't angered him to the point where he'd reveal his secret.

Trying to speak Sebastian found his voice groggy. He could get out few words, and he cleared his throat slightly before whispering

"Greg, I think I love you."


End file.
